|KU BASKETBALL HUMOR
A NEW JAYHAWK
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother". Off goes the little lad with the Jayhawk Jersey in hand and finds his mother.
son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a KU fan and I would like this jersey
for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around
the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
basketball coaches flew to the NCAA convention.
first coach said, "I'm Mike Krzyzewski. I was the second best
next coach said, I'm Bob Knight. I was the third best coach
third coach stood before God and said, "I'm Roy Williams and
upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually,
Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God,
"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and
proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made. It's a planet, and I've put
LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
inquired Michael, still confused. God
explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice.
Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a beautiful land in the
center of a large mass. "What's that one?" "Ah," said God.
"That's Kansas, the most glorious place on Earth.
There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and prairie. The people from
Kansas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be
found traveling the world. They'll
be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give
them a super-human, undefeatable basketball team who will be admired and feared
by all who come across them."
gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied
wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting
Norm Stewart dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on
is your house, Coach. Most people
don't get their own houses
for the house, God. But let me ask
you a question. I get this little
two bedroom house with a faded banner and Roy Williams gets a
Wilt Chamberlain’s untimely death reminded me of the story about former KU coach Phog Allen, who, upon being informed by the press that Wilt had announced he was going to college at KU, commented that he “hoped that Chamberlain would go out for basketball.”
By: Matt Tait
'Twas the night before July
6, when all through the town
their annual meeting before the beginning of the basketball season, all the top
Big 12 basketball programs decided to have Golden phones installed in each of
their respective offices.
day a recruit named Joe walked into Quin Snyder’s Columbia office and saw his
Golden phone sitting there. "Wow," Joe exclaimed, "What's
that?" Quin responded,"Well son, that's my Golden Phone; it's a direct
line to Heaven." "Wow, that's pretty neat," Joe responded.
"Do you think I could make a call on that phone?"
"Well yes, but it's going to cost you about $100. You can make the
check out to the University of Missouri Foundation," replied Quin.
"That's a lot of money. I don't think I should spend that much. Thanks
anyway," Joe replied as he left the office.
few weeks later Joe took a campus visit at Oklahoma State University and went
into Coach Eddie Sutton's office where again he saw a Golden phone. "What
exactly is that phone for?" asked Joe. Coach Sutton replied, "That's
my direct line to Heaven. "Do you think I could make a call from that
phone?" asked Joe. Well sure, but it's going to cost you about $200, and
you can make the check out to the Oklahoma State University Foundation,"
replied Sutton. "Oh never mind, I don't have that kind of money. Thanks
though." Joe shook his head and left Coach Sutton's office.
next weekend, Joe took his official visit to the campus of the
Stanley finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But... but ... that's impossible," stutters Stanley. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Stanley is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Stanley looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Stanley goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean . ." he swallows excitedly, "we can watch the Jayhawk/Tiger game from here?"
JAYHAWK PRAYER (March, 2007)
Father, who art in Lawrence,
One day in an elementary school in Manhattan, KS, a teacher asks her class if the Kansas State Wildcats are their favorite basketball team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, "What's your favorite basketball team Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy says, "The Kansas Jayhawks "
The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Jayhawk fan, my mom is a Jayhawk fan, I guess that makes me a Jayhawk fan."
The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Kansas State fan."
Rich Glas, basketball coach at Division II North Dakota, on motivating his players before a game with No. 4-ranked Kansas: “I told our guys, ‘They put their pants on the same way we do. They just pull them up two feet higher.’” – Nov. 27, 2000
TOP 10 QUOTES FROM MIZZOU or WHY TIGERS CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS....AND SHOULD NOT RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE:
1. Former Tiger and NBA player Linus Kleiza on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. Current scoring leader Kim English, when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to score 400 or 500 points, whichever comes first."
3. DeMarre Carroll, last year’s star on his coach, Mike Anderson: "He treated us like men. He let us wear earrings.."
4. J. T. Tiller, senior basketball player at the University of Missouri : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
5. Norm Stewart, long-time former Mizzou coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
6. Former Tiger Stefhon Hannah, explaining why he kept a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
7. Announcer and former star Jon Sunvold, on the training regime of former teammate Steve Stipanovich: "He's a guy who got up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
8. Zaire Taylor, current basketball player, explaining to Coach Anderson why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
9. In the words of MU great Derrick Chievous, “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
10. Former MU basketball coach Quin Snyder: "Nobody in basketball should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Now, before anyone decides to sue me for slander or libel, let me say that I, admittedly, took a different version of the above (which had actual quotes from other athletes), and modified it by inserting the names of current and former Missouri Tigers ... all in just good fun. But, while these guys didn't (as far as I know) really make the above quotes, it isn't too much of a stretch to think that maybe they could have. Remember, when the MU library burnt down, they lost both their books..